Super-Friends

Good morning!  It's kind of a low-energy day, but that's ok, that's what napping is for.

I was just thinking about friends... you see, when I don't feel well it's a struggle to keep up with conversations, let alone my "all is good" facade.  I just want to snuggle up with a blanky and watch stupid reality television.

I used to be a multi-tasker.  Oh yes, yes I was.  Don't shake your head.  I was a kindergarten teacher!  And I was a damn good one.  Now I forget that I've put toast in the toaster and start writing blog posts.  2 hours later I wonder why I'm so hungry!  You've gotta laugh right?

Back to friends... I don't have many left, but the ones I do, WOW, they are super-friends!  The kind that will leap mountainous piles of laundry in the entryway just to sit on dirty socks to have a cold one and chat.  The kind that will call you back in the middle of the night when you feel like you'd rather die than live like this anymore.  Those are the kinds of friends I'm left with and they have no idea what love and gratitude I hold for them.

Then, I tell myself, "well, it would be nice to know more people, get out a bit."  That seems like such a great idea, until I have to make an effort.  Who wants to get dressed and why do I need to answer their texts at the ungodly hour of 10:00 PM?  Who's awake then?  HEATHENS!  That's who!  And why do I want to be friends with heathens?  Oh yeah, "it would be nice to know more people, get out a bit."  The dilemma!

Perfectly nice people piss me off with their clingy-ness.  I've got stuff to do!  And then naps to take.  But, I really am a nice person.  I just don't have the energy some days.  So, if it seems like I'm a flake or that I'm blowing you off, truly, it's nothing personal.  It's just that, for today, I'm not able to be the kind of friend I want to be.  Please don't stop asking, I really do want to hang out, just maybe we could sit in our pj's on my comfy couch and grunt and giggle

at stupid movies?   Oh, and please ignore the dirty house, I am embarrassed by it, but happy to see you!

Goals and Gratefulness

Good morning, yep, it is good.  I'm feeling much better.  This should just be a reminder to me about how quickly things can change.  I was pretty miserable yesterday morning and today, well, it's good.  It's Saturday, so everyone is still sleeping.  I slept like a log last night which hasn't happened in a while.  Sleep can certainly change your outlook!

Since I'm feeling better I need to get back to this whole reinvention idea.  I have so many things I want to do and try.  I actually started a bucket list this summer for the first time.  But that will wait for a different day.  My immediate ideas are so big I think I need to break them into categories....

1. Nutrition-  I know that I feel better when I eat better, but that takes effort that sometimes I want to put elsewhere.  And while the effects aren't always immediate there sometimes come at the most inopportune times.

•  no more diet mtn. dew (yes, I know, poison, but I love it and it helps me get things done!)
•  more fruits/veggies
• less carbs/sugar

2. Fitness

•  I used to be able to run 4 miles at a time and then weight lift and I'd like to be able to do at least 1/2 that now with ease. 
• Lose 15 pounds (anthem of all women everywhere?  Do I hear an amen?)
• Just climbing the stairs without feeling exhausted would be great!

3. Spiritual

• I don't know myself well,  I need to get reacquainted!
• Be able to honestly tell myself that "I AM AWESOME, GOD MADE ME THAT WAY!"
• Look for adventures and say "YES."

4.  Creating-  I need to take 1/2 an hour+ to do what moves me

• music
• sewing
• painting
• writing
• building

5. Organization- I'd like my house to be neat and clean with less effort.  I think we have too much stuff.  Cutting the clutter would be good for me in the financial aspect too!

• recipe book
• cabinets
• garage
• craft stuff

 It all seems easy enough if you don't figure in that my day to day survival takes up a big chunk of the day.  I'm determined to find my own happiness.  I've made my five year plan!  And in that plan there is a side-note about having my book published.  Root me on friends!

God's Plan

WTF?!!  So yesterday I spent the day with my in-laws and grandma taking her for an arm x-ray.  The day went well, all smooth.  I wasn't feeling well yesterday morning but after taking my drugs and medicating with a bit more caffeine than anyone should be able to handle, I was feeling ok.  By early evening, watch out!  I had an earache and a sore throat and felt like I had been run over by a mack.  So I forced myself to eat a little dinner and then had a pleasant scoop of mint-chip ice cream (just to help my throat) before I passed out by 9 o'clock.

2 a.m. I woke up to the achy fullness of my 5th U.T.I. of the summer.  And my ear and throat were both less than great.  So I started amoxicillin, which I've been stockpiling like the apocolypse is coming.  And took stuff for the U.T.I. which I now keep on hand.  I'm feeling a little less desperate for relief now, but honestly, I'm pissed off.  It's just one more thing, one more roadblock to rebuilding my life. 

I sound like a real peach!  I am generally a positive, happy person.  Sometimes though, it just feels like too much.  Like every time I try to dig myself out of this hole the dirt just keeps falling in.  So, for today, I'm gonna feed calves and baby myself.  Cuz, if I don't this will just continue, and I've got too much living to do to stay stuck down in this hole!

You know, I've got a secret, I've been going to see a therapist.  Yep, I know, a little yuppy-ish.  I just needed someone to tell me that I wasn't crazy, that I could do great things.  I just needed a little outside encouragement. 

My therapist office is a little over an hour away, in a city that I wasn't overly familiar with.  So each time I go I set google maps on my phone to give me directions.  When I left the office last Wed. I set the GPS and it started to talk to me, "turn left on 7 mile."  I was lost in my own thoughts, driving along, and then I looked around and realized that the GPS was taking me a way we hadn't gone on the previous trips.  We were still headed in the right general direction so I thought, "whatever, I'll get home eventually."  After a little bit, I reached a point where I could see the expressway that the GPS normally guided me to, and it was at a standstill.  The traffic was backed up and not moving.  The GPS had saved me waiting in traffic.  YAY for technology.

As I was driving along thanking God and the GPS for guiding me around the traffic I realized how ridiculous I've been.  I'm willing to allow a little machine to guide me around roadblocks, but I'm scared to follow God's instructions in his plan for my life.  That is just crazy!  Where has my faith gone and why am I letting fear take over?  I need to pay more attention to the blessings I have and the abilities I've been given and stop worrying about stuff that won't make any difference in the big picture.  My tattoo says, "Part of God's Plan," I know it, why can't I remember it?  Even when I face these roadblocks, God is telling me "it's ok, you'll get home eventually."

Starting over

Well, Hello!  It sure has been a while.  But, you know how life can be.  It definitely doesn't go according to plan.  Which is why I wanted to talk to you.  You see a little over a month ago, life threw me another curve ball.  I was coasting along, minding my own business when, WHAM!  I found out my husband of 19 years has been "talking" to another woman.  SERIOUSLY!  I kind of thought life was straightening out.  I had made it through my disability hearings and an independent medical exam, the lyrica had my fibro controlled most days, my stomach had been feeling better, my kids were being awesome teenagers and my libido had been kicked up.  That libido, it's caused problems in the past, but it's been better this spring.  Sex was good again.  And that's sort of a huge thing when for over 4 years it had been in hiding.  And while my libido had been AWOL my husband's was (as usual) out of control.   So I did what my mama had taught me, "put out or he'll look somewhere else."  And it wasn't fun.

But, my gosh, this spring, it got fun again.  And so my marriage, and sex life, were trucking along very nicely.  Until I checked the cell phone bill.  And saw a number I knew, but couldn't understand how this "pursuing" had been going on under my nose for months!  I felt betrayed, hurt, destroyed.

I want to point out that currently, I believe it was the best thing that could've happened.  It woke us all up.  We had been taking our relationship for granted and I had been stuck.  Cause being sick, well, it makes anything extra out of the question.  Survival!  That's all that I could do.  But since I'd been feeling better I knew that there was going to be more to my life, I was just stuck.  What to do?   There are a million things I want to do.  Blog, travel, craft, exercise, write, DIY....  I hadn't STARTED anything.  Mostly because I want to do everything.  So this is my new beginning.  My do-over.  My exploration of what God has in his plan for me.

I'm starting to make some goals and I will share them with you.  For today, I just want to say that when you think your world is ending, it may just be your new beginning.